here goes nothin..

47488 notes / reblog / 2 weeks ago

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The moment when you have literally just finished fucking the person you’ve been messing around with and he says “too much today”….. When this is the first time you’re having sex with him -.- thanks.

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420drugsandtits:

supamuthafuckinvillain:

U kno if u was high you’d try to take a bite out that shit

I need you in my life

36498 notes / reblog / 1 month ago

foodbeersexwhatever:

~selfish people live longer~

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babyybarbieee:

❤️❤️

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"The people who are meant to be in your life will always gravitate back towards you, no matter how far they wander."
(via coldaslt)

(Source: psych-facts, via artemisea)

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curvellas:

tumblr made me a much more tolerant and less judgmental person like my cousin be like “omg look at that bitch eyebrows she drew them damn near in her hairline” and i’m like shrug maybe the bitch wanted to have eyebrows in her hairline you don’t know shit about her life.

(via longwerethenightsx)

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I swear church brings out the loneliest side of me

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sixpenceee:

My daughter saw me getting dry skin off my shoulder after a bad sunburn and asked if she could keep my skin flakes and put them in a jar so when I die she can make a mommy mask and remember me always.
We had just moved into a new house and two kids showed up at the door. When I asked if I could help them, one of them said, “our mom wants us to tell you, the old people who used to live here are buried at the end of the road.” They ran off and I have never seen those kids again to this day.
When my daughter was 3 she woke up one morning looking rough. I asked if she slept okay and she said, “No! Popaw Mike kept me up all night pinching my toes!” My dad, her Popaw Mike, passed away 8 years before she was born and that’s how he used to wake my brother and I up when we were little.
At my great uncle’s funeral she asked when he was going to turn into a zombie.
My son telling me in the sweetest of voices in a consoling tone… “Don’t worry mommy, I’ll never murder you.”
From my neighbor’s three year old: “When’s the baby going to come out of your tummy?!” I didn’t even know that I was pregnant yet.
One night I let my then 3 year old sleep with me because my husband was gone. It was dead quiet in the house and she whispers “Ive got ya where I want ya and now I’m gonna eat ya”.
When my son was three, he came and climbed into bed with us, crying. I asked what was wrong, he said that the big fat man with a bloody hole in his head kept trying to open his window.
My then-4 yr old daughter came up to me, put her hands on my belly, and said “Mommy you have a baby in your belly.” Come to find out two weeks later that I was 3 weeks pregnant. She also said it was a boy (even though she REALLY wanted a baby sister), and she was right. She also did something similar to two teachers at her daycare. They called her the baby whisperer.
My best friend Lisa died when I was pregnant with my daughter. When my daughter was 3 I heard her laughing. I said ” what are you laughing at?” She said ” auntie Lisa is making silly faces at me and playing with me.”
When my daughter was 4, I heard her singing a song that my mom always sang to me when I was young. I asked her where she learned it, she told me that her grandma taught it to her. My mom passed away 6 years before my daughter was born.
“Mommy why is the man by the fan staring at me?” We were in bed about to sleep…..there was nothing by the standing fan….I still don’t like that damn fan…
While grocery shopping, my son points at the Aunt Jemima syrup and says, rather loudly, “Mommy, let’s get Aunt Vagina!”
When she was about 18months old, my Grandpa George died. We had a photo of my Grandparents on the fridge right alongside those alphabet magnets that all toddlers have. The day of the funeral, I was getting her breakfast ready while she played with the magnets. I turned around and she has spelled GEORGE right under my Grandparents photo.
We were at a campout and suddenly my three year old yells out, “Uncle Ricky keeps touching my weiner!” They were roasting hot dogs and my brother Rick about had a heart attack on the spot.
I recently had an Ectopic pregnancy, I’ve been really sad. my little boy told me “Mommy I can be the baby in your tummy, but you have to eat me first!”
My five year old has stuck to this SAME story since he was 3: I remember my last mom and dad died and you found me, remember, I was on the side of the road when you found me as a baby. I had a little sister before but she’s dead too.
I was pregnant and working as a preschool teacher. One of the little girls was very curious about my pregnancy so we were talking about it. Somehow we got on the subject of how the baby might come out. She looked me dead in the face and said, “you know, they’re going to have to cut it out of you.” As you can imagine I was kind of surprised but managed to deflect and say, ” Well, if they don’t cut it out of me, what are some other ways that the baby might come out?” Again, she looked at me dead in the face and said, “I think that baby might just crawl right out of your mouth.”
The other day on the train my 4 year old daughter told me “Mama, I’ll love you forever until you die, but when you die, I’ll hate you.” I asked her why she would hate me and she said “Because then you’ll just be bones and I’ll let Juno (our dog) chew on them.”
My 3 year old daughter watching me put a panty liner on – “Mom, is that a band aid for your butt?”
When my older brother was 2 he wouldn’t go by any other name than John and would insist on being called that name (his name is Brent), when he was 4 years old he asked my mom where Yoko was. My mom told him she was doing well and living in New York, once Brent understood this, he was relieved and was okay with continuing on as Brent. My brother has gone on to be a talented musician and artist, with friends in the celebrity realm. Oh, and he was conceived 3 months after John Lennon’s death…
“I catch the water off Daddy’s penis in the shower!”
My 3-yo daughter said, “You’re the best mommy I have had so far…”. I said “I am the only mommy you have had!” As she walked away she said, “That’s what all the other mommies said, too!”
Sept 11, 2001 was my son’s first day of Kindergarten. He was very excited the day before, but when I woke him up, he immediately started crying uncontrollably and said over and over, ‘Mommy, it’s gonna be such a BAD, BAD DAY!!’ I tried to convince him otherwise and told him he could watch cartoons while I got ready for work. I sat him (still weeping) on the couch and turned the TV on…just as they showed the second plane hitting the tower on New York.
About 2 months ago my 6 yr old son says, “Mommy, when you die I will put you in a glass box on my dining room table…don’t worry I will make sure my wife knows how to dust you sou you wont get dirty.”
“Mommy, the lady in the white car is okay, she didn’t die, there was an angel in the car with her.” – my son, age 2. An hour later I turned on the news and a lady in a white Cadillac had driven off the Portland bridge, but swam to safety. She reported seeing a bright light that broke her window and urged her to swim. Emergency personnel said she should have drowned.
My Ex’s son gave me a hug, looked up at me and said “I hope it hurts when you die.”
“Dad, my girlfriend is a month late…”
When I was about two weeks pregnant (and didn’t even know yet), my 3 year old daughter came and patted my belly and said, “great grandpa wants you to know there’s a baby boy in there and that you need to take good care of this one so you don’t both have to go to heaven when he’s born.” She had no living great grandparents, and I did end up being pregnant.
Some hilarious, some creepy, some both!
I got these from here

8097 notes / reblog / 1 month ago

rnessage:

be nice to people because the world is a shitty place and we all need a little help sometimes

(via lezbe-love)

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royreiddotca:

www.royreid.ca  - Everything the internet was never intended to be used for

28 notes / reblog / 1 month ago

credit